Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
