So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
