So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
