I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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