It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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