I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
