I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
