Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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