wrigley field is MILF paradise
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
