I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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