quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
