Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
