I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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