I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
