Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
