We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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