I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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