Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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