Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
