You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
