I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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