if you like me you must not know who I am
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
