he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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