watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
