Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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