dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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