if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
