She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
