I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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