....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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