He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
