im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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