It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
