You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
