That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize