it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
