Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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