i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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