At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
