i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
