Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
