I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
