Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
