I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
