I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
