if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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