She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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