Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
