My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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