I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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