youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
