Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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