he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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