Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
