I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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