this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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